Stuff and Nonsense*

Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I cut all my hair off. All of it. I got D's (reluctant) permission first, had dozens of internal arguments weighing the pros and cons of short hair versus long and then finally decided to chop it all off when I remembered that all the hormone-induced hair loss was about to grow back in the form of a baby fro. And if there's one thing that I don't want to rock, it is a baby fro. The snot wiped across my shoulder and the disheveled look of a sleep-deprived mother are flattering enough, thankyouverymuch.

Luckily, D hasn't realized he gets better looking with age. It's unjust. Kind of like how ours is the only species where the females get all dolled up to impress the males. Think about it.

My iPhone got stolen on Mother's Day from the zoo. I left it on the toilet-paper dispenser in the bathroom stall. In my defense, I'd been up since 1:00 am. We realized that the perp was going to keep it after we called it for the zillionth time and it started going to voice mail on the 2nd ring. Son of a bitch.

So I went to the Apple store and expected to pay another $200 for a new phone. HA! And in front of my children, the genius barista asked me to bend over so that he could you-know-what me for $600. When I almost burst into tears (I'd been up since 1:00 AGAIN) the barista offered to replace my phone with half the phone for twice the price. Exqueezeme? I walked out without a phone, feeling as naked as the day I was born.

There was no way I was paying $600 for a new phone, but now that I'd owned an iPhone there was no way I was ever going back. It was like driving a Porsche (well, what I imagine it must be like to drive a Porsche) and then being asked to drive a rickshaw. How do you even drive a rickshaw? Doesn't someone else need to pull it for you? So if you're alone, do you just put your stuff in it and then drag it behind you? See?!? I wouldn't even know how. I was in quite a predicament. And the longer I went without my phone, the worse the shakes got. Baby had the bends.

Long story short, I spent almost three days without a lifeline phone trying to find a loophole. I searched eBay, talked to three different reps at AT&T and finally figured out that instead of paying $600 for a replacement iPhone, all I had to do was add a line to my account (which was suspended for safety) and get a new phone for $200. Yeah, bitches. The funny thing is that the last rep I talked to actually refined my plan. I called and asked "hypothetical" questions like, "What if I got a new iPhone and dug one of my old phones out of E's toy box and put that phone on my line so that I could keep my number and then just forwarded my calls to the new number?" Once she figured out what I was trying to do, she helped me do it, god bless her. And while I have to pay an extra $10/month for the extra line, now that I'm on the family plan I am actually paying less a month because I'm on a better plan. So suck it, Steve Jobs.

I think everyone should rent Modern Family over the summer and watch it from the beginning so that you're all caught up next season.

We are maybe possibly kind of talking about considering putting E in preschool next fall. There's a well-reputed Montessori school up the road from us and I have an interview with them on Tuesday. The thing is, I'm going to cry like a baby the first time I have to leave him anywhere with someone other than family.

Speaking of babies, B is seven months yesterday. She is officially in full commando crawling mode. She still tips over but she can get anywhere with alarming intensity. She doesn't sit up reliably, but mostly because she won't sit still long enough. She's got shit to do...and usually, top of her list is pissing E off. She started yelling at him yesterday, which I guess is good because now they're even. She had wormed her way across the room to get to him and at the last minute he yoinked his toys, spun around and got away from her. Her eyes got wide and I thought for a second she was going to burst into tears, but to her credit, she started screeching instead.

With the crawling, though, comes all sorts of trouble, the worst being sleep. Her naps are broken up into twenty-ish minute long bouts of fitful tossing and turning until finally she just. can't. help. but to flip over and wake up. She ends up smooshed against the slats of her crib, crazy-eyed with surprise at the lack of control she has over her own body. Luckily, the two nights that we were up at 1:00 am paid off. The first night (happy mother's day!) was an impromptu sleep training session. She woke up at 1:00 on the dot (as she is wont to) and since she was in the crib, I didn't just roll over and sleepily pop a boob in her mouth. Which led to the discovery that she wasn't waking up at one o'clock to eat. She was waking up out of habit, looking for a little entertainment. I didn't feed her and I didn't say a word. I just rocked her in the darkness of her room. For one hour and thirty-seven minutes. Then she voiced her hunger and I fed her. She promptly fell asleep and I wondered how many years I lost off of my already too short life. It took me a while to finally fell asleep, which was good since I had to get up again at 4:00 to give up and bring her to bed. The second night I stuck to my guns and she slept the entire night in her crib. I gotta hand it to B, her internal clock is spot on. She wakes up not at 12:59 or 1:02, but exactly at 1:00. Until the third night. She didn't wake up till 2:37. And then last night at 2:39. At this rate, she'll be waking up at 6:00am by 2011. Happy New Year.

E's lab results came back. His vitamin D is back to normal range and his liver function looks good but his CBC values aren't perfect. The one that the immunologist would like our (new) pediatrician to keep an eye on is his platelet count. Oh, and the stupid nurse called on Friday as they were closing up and left a voicemail that said something along the lines of, "Platelets are elevated, erythrocytes are down, lymphocytes are up, your kid has leukemia, happy mother's day." She didn't actually say that E has leukemia (or happy mother's day, as a matter of fact) but she might as well have. I googled his blood results and as Dr. Google usually does, he diagnosed E with an a tragic and incurable disease. D had to call them on Monday because I didn't have a phone and he straightened it all out. He also explained that the nurse should never, ever do that again.

In funny E news, I asked him what time it was today and he said "Thirty-nine dollars." Whaaa?

The other day he wanted potato chips for breakfast and when I pointed out that if he was too full for waffles, he was too full for chips. "I'm only full to the bottom. I'm not full to the top. There's room for chips at the top." He had chips for breakfast. I'm a sucker for ironclad logic.

He also spent all of Mother's Day saying "Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Are you happy?" And I was. Even though I was exhausted and disappointed that someone would choose not to return my phone, I was really, really happy. D went all out and made it a Mother's Day weekend. He made banana pancakes on Saturday and french toast on Sunday and I got to take a two hour nap and he got me a gift certificate for a massage at one of my favorite places and then my brother, Bangs, and my sister also got me a spa session and the promise to watch the kids while I got pampered, plus a bottle of wine, plus a new painting plus really sweet cards. D took over enough of the day-to-day minutia that it gave me enough time and space to take a deep breath and remember why I love my job.

*Cute book but not worth full-price unless you are a teacher and looking for exemplary use of onomatopoeia.

4 comments to Stuff and Nonsense*:

mom2boy said...

I have an iphone and a little boy who on mother's day chose to eat a black bean burger for breakfast so he could practice using his own knife and fork. I feel your pain and elation and oh, yeah, your daughter is totally going to turn her brother's world upside down in the best possible way. Happy Mother's Day!
And yeah that nurse shouldn't ever do anything remotely like that again. Ever. Never.

Cloud said...

Huh. I was thinking Split Enz song (one of my favorites, actually) and not kid's book.

I'm sorry about your phone.

Petunia isn't even threatening to crawl yet. She's such a mellow kid. I suppose she'll get around to it sometime....

hush said...

I hope the person who stole your iphone gets a raging case of herpes. Love the Porsche analogy. Everyone (esp mamas) who gets one is totally convinced they are the best thing ever and they're probably right.

I will totally watch "Modern Family" after I catch up with by tivo'd "Treme" and "The Pacific." Do you watch "Mad Men"? I totally want to marry that show and have like 8 of its babies.

caramama said...

How do you like the hair cut? I cut all mine off a few months ago. Great for all the

hair loss after having baby, but I miss my long hair! Hopefully you are loving it.

Way to work the system with the iPhone! Ridiculous that they wanted you to pay $600 for

a new one.

We just recently started watching Modern Family and are really enjoying it. My hubby

likes Cougartown a bit more, but I prefer Modern Family. Very funny.

Sorry about the sleep, but hopefully the sleep training is helping! Their internal

clocks are amazing, aren't they? Glad E's vit D is up, but that nurse was completely


Cute kid stories, and sounds like a wonderful Mother's Day.

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