Here Comes Santa Clause

Sunday, December 26, 2010
We talked about visiting Santa. I explained that Santa was a nice guy and that E didn't have to sit in his lap if he didn't want to. He could just stand next to him. He could just stand near him. All he needed to do was politely inform Santa that yes, he had indeed been a good* boy this year and he would like a bread machine for the kid kitchen and some other gifts. That's it and that's all. Easy, right?

B has suffered a crippling fear of the beard since she was born. No surprise that she's hysterically screaming as if Santa was holding a jar of Vaseline in one hand and a thermometer in the other.

But the thing about pictures is that you can not hear just how loud they are both screaming. People stopped shopping to spectate. We drew an audience. It's like the whole mall came to a halt to pay witness.

My only regret is not having handed my phone to the chubby security guard standing perched upon her Segway and asking her to tape the whole debacle. And yes, at one point in my life I did say (perhaps out loud) that I would never be one of those moms that put her screaming kid(s) on Santa's lap. And guess what? I ate my words. But not because it was such a pain to get my kids all dressed up (no harder than any other clothes) or because I was all hell-bent on a picture with Santa (I don't give a shit about Santa.) I did it because my kids never do anything they don't want to do and every once in a while I think it's good for them to suffer just a tiny little bit so that they fully understand just how good they have it.


Had I known I was going to be in the picture, I would have worn my ugly Xmas sweater and red jeggings.

As we walked away, E was a tearful, boneless puddle. He looked up at me once we were on the other side of the velvet rope and sulked, "I don't even want presents from that man. T and Bangs are going to get me presents. Grandma and Grandpa are going to get me presents. You and Dad..." He ticked off a dozen gift-givers to prove that the presents from that man were inconsequential.

The irony is that on Christmas morning, on at least three occasions, E randomly looked up and like a preacher delivering a particularly moving sermon, he sent a shout out to the omnipotent, "THANK YOU, SANTA!" Hallelujah.

* I take real issue with the whole being "good" bullshit. Number one, is "Santa" really not going to bring anything if you're not good? Number two, I don't want my child to behave because of the looming threat of "Santa." And what do you threaten once Santa's come and gone? Number three, I don't believe in conditional love and I don't think Santa should either. Number four, E freaked the hell out for a few days before we realized why - he would get so upset when he did something "bad" because he thought that Christmas was forever ruined. It was too much pressure for his little shoulders to carry. D brilliantly explained that you just had to be more good than bad and that seemed to appease E and his sense of justice and morality.

4 comments to Here Comes Santa Clause:

SarcastiCarrie said...

The only thing better would be if you were wearing read and green jeggings. That would make the picture awesomely complete.

I love to use the whole Santa/good behavior thing. Santa used to give coal to naughty kids because even naughty kids deserved to be warm at Christmas. So, I am sure these days, Santa would give a single Matchbox car to a kid because even naughty kids deserve to know they are loved. But there will be no Transformers for the naughty. and no chocolate. Just clementines in your stocking if you're naughty. And the kids didn't need much reminding to be on good behavior (and if my kids were consistenyl naughty, I would be prepared to follow through on the no presents threat).

mom2boy said...

Love the picture! Love it!

hush said...

Nej, can I just say what a HOTTIE mc HOT HOT you are? Holy shit, woman!!! ;)

The paper where we used to live once did a photo submission contest with an entire page of pictures of kids crying on Santa's lap over the years - friggin' hilarious! Your picture would've fit right in!

nej said...

@SarcastiCarrie - We should totally go into business fabricating candy-cane jeggings for next Christmas. Also, part of the reason I could never, ever do the whole no presents thing for Christmas is because as a stay-at-home mom, I look forward to the new presents almost as much as the kids do. Who am I kidding? More than the kids do. Super cool ball track? New play-doh mega fun factory? Indoor bowling set? Yeah. Those were all toys I wanted that Santa brought for the kids. Thank you, SANTA!

@mom2boy - Thanks. It's a classic, for sure.

@hush - Who let you out of the loony bin? The sad thing is, I used to be kind of pretty. I look at pictures from when D and I met ten plus years ago and the fresh-faced girl staring back at me was not bad looking. But then I look in the mirror now and what I see is someone who looks like she's been captured by enemy combatants and held captive in a cellar and beat to near-death with a tired stick. But thanks for being so nice. I love you for it.

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