I'm keeping a secret. And it is a whopper of a secret. The catch is, it's not my secret. It's someone else's secret and since my world's overlap, what with Facebook and this blog and email and the telephone etc., I'm afraid to say anything that could or could not get traced back to me. And since I am too tired to keep things straight in my head, I've sort of just stopped talking. Mum is the word. Which sucks, because I constantly have blog posts running through my head and some of them are time-sensitive.
I will, however, tell you that the other night D and I ended up watching Last Comic Standing as we were impatiently waiting for B to go to sleep already. We didn't want to start True Blood as to avoid suffering the let-down of having to pause it mid-dramatic scene, especially since sometimes B just needs a replacement of the binky and sometimes she needs the whole boob-shushing-rocking-pleading combo. You just never know with her anymore. She is 8 months old and full of fury - she wants to crawl (so close!) she wants to have more than just two front teeth and she wants to talk. Not to mention she wants to catch her brother and goochie* him one big gooch for all the times he's goochied her.
Anyway, so I got to watch the first half of LCS and it got me thinking. If I was going to go on a stand-up comedian competition (which I reassure you, I am not) what would my schtick be? Right now I've temporarily settled on something along the lines of Rita Rudner. I'd come out in a really pretty dress - perhaps even a cocktail dress - and I'd start off sort of clean and hokey, maybe mention my kids, and then drop a bomb on my audience with a raunchy joke. Perhaps I'd share a joke L2 told me once (remember him? the paramedic who did nothing for my hurt legs other to tell me to suck it up and stop whining?)
"How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?"
The audience members lean into one another, blindly guessing at the punch line.
"Pick him up and give him a blow job."
Wouldn't that joke be funnier coming from a kinda pretty woman with a bouffant hairdo and sequins on her dress?
*E "goochies" B whenever her cheeks are within reach. He squeezes her cheeks and sings, "I want to pinch your nosey...and tickle your toesy. You're wiggly. And jiggly. You're lovely, cuddly B."
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